SNAKE!!

I've just had the 'snake in the house' initiation.

That's what I just sent as a message to my friend Andrea, trying to be as nonchalant as possible because I assumed it's the sort of thing that just happens. But her reply was "Are you bloody serious? Wholly crap! Never has happened to me. Scary!"

I think it was more scared of me than I was of it. But it's kind of hard to tell, it was fairly expressionless. I was just walking down the stairs and saw this little face looking at me from behind the cupboard. Cheeky bugger, it was only a little thing and was wrapped around a plastic kitchen trolley type thing, so once I felt sure that the snake wasn't going to launch itself at high speed towards my face, I just moved the whole trolley outside and Snakey-Geoff slithered away.

I should probably get something better to cover the window.

Kayak pig

Well, I've been away from home for a week and already I've met a ladyboy, bumped into a girl I know from Bath, been snorkelling, kayaking, skinny dipping, possibly secured a place to do some gigs, got sun tanned without getting burnt, learnt how to speak enough Thai to order in bars and say hello, thank you etc.

I've been hanging out mostly with 3 Americans and they're actually alright! They have passports obviously which is a good start, and they say football instead of soooccerrrr and don't drink coke or believe in advertising. I've taught them words like mincing, pants (for underwear/terrible), to get on one's tits, cotton buds (instead of Q-tips). There were also several lovely Europeans who were with us for a bit but they've all gone now. They were fun, but I didn't give a great first impression when I turned up for the snorkelling with an English breakfast and a beer. They all knew instantly where I was from.

I'm on Koh Phangan now and it is absolutely beautiful. We've come to a slightly more secluded resort area and it's low season so it's quiet (it's supposed to be raining all the time, but it's not actually raining at all).

I do have to start working soon though, so no beach holidays for a while, but living in crazy Surat is bound to be interesting. Just by sitting in a restaurant you see crazy things - a truck pulls up and then uses a small crane to lift a cage full of pigs, then dumps all the pigs into another truck from rather too high up and you hear them all going 'wheeeeeeee' as they land in a cacophony of pig.

Koh Samui

Koh Samui seems to be a once-beautiful island now full of honeymooning chavs and middle-aged sex-tourists in Hawaiian shirts.

I was quite disappointed I have to say. I actually have to start work in a few days so want to fit in as much random fun as possible.

Then I met a bunch of Thai girls in one of the crass bars. A rather bullish, strong-faced girl called Wow asked me to play pool. My, what precise skills and spacial awareness she had. She thrashed me.

She said she would take me on a tour of the island if I wanted. Her friends said "Be careful, she crazy!" with sincere, furrowed brows. So I said yes anyway, can't resist an adventure. Wow seemed a bit odd and certainly not what you would call attractive, but friendly and genuine enough so why not?

So Wow took me on a motorbike (and she really knew how to ride that motorbike). Wow spoke confidently and at great length with very impressive English vocabulary but the most abysmal accent I can imagine, so I didn't understand a word and there were countless uncomfortable silences. "You so quiet, you kind of guy only have friends on Fessbook".

But Wow and I went to the Big Buddha, struck the bells around the perimeter with a kind of Buddhist baseball bat for good luck, visited several other shrines and fed the giant fish in the surrounding ponds. We saw the Grandfather and Grandmother rock formations (which look like genitals, Wow found this really funny even though she'd seen them countless times), we climbed a stunning waterfall - "I no afraid to climb, sometimes I more like a man".
We went for some beers on Chaweng beach and watched the incredible sunset. Wow became sullen and asked me strange questions about my sexual tastes. A beach-seller saved me from having to answer by putting a monkey in my lap.

Wow took me home to my hotel when I told her I was too tired. I promised to come and find her the next day to go partying, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she could tell from the look in my eyes that that was never going to happen. My stupid, honest eyes.

Life throws up situations where you have to ask, will I learn more about myself sat on a beach reading Ulysses or riding around on the back of a motorbike with a ladyboy? I made my choice and I stick by it.

It was eventful but thankfully not in a sexual way. I legged it to Koh Tao the next day which is far more my cup of tea. Did some snorkelling with a terrible hangover yesterday. Paradise.

Fight!!

And the plane crashed into the dark, angry sea and I was the only survivor because I was in the back row of the plane and jumped out before the water submerged absolutely everything. That was my silly premonition, so imagine my horror when in real life I handed in my boarding pass and the lady said "We've had to change your seat to one at the very back of the plane, I hope that's ok for you?"
The plane obviously didn't crash though did it, stupid plane.
But the good thing is i didn't miss any flights!!!! I must be maturing.
So I got picked up from the airport, shown to my house which on first inspection looked very bare but actually is perfectly beautiful, I just need to jazz it up with some of them colourful thingys that girls drape over walls and stuff. I've had a fight with a lizard and a millipede or something so far but no real horror. I don't have a TV or any new-fangled things like internets or cooking equipment but it's all absolutely fine because everything is everywhere all the time.

Apart from going to the school and looking around, I've basically been on a whirlwind of adventures riding a bike or getting tuk-tuks around the city, eating amazing food, drinking Singha, looking at markets, trying to communicate, getting giggled at and feeling silly.

Best thing so far was on the way back from a restaurant last night with 2 of the other teachers Shaun and Erica we noticed something big happening and realised it was a Muay Thai (kick-boxing) tournament - we haggled over the cost to get in because it was already half-way through but somehow we ended up getting in as VIPs and sitting right next to the ring with all the local politicians and powerful types - partly because we're 'farang' (white westerners) I suppose. Anyway, it was amazing, it was mostly teenage guys fighting and it was really intense, with a kind of house-band playing the most excruciating music during the fights which sounded something like some asian druids playing bagpipes. On one side of the crowd was what in football terms you would call 'the Kop' - lots of local chaps who were so into it was almost quite scary. They were all gambling on the winner of each fight too, which apparantly is highly illegal. But weirdly no one was drinking - I went to order some beer at one point and basically cleaned them out of all 2 they had. I asked Shaun and Erica if these fighting events happen all the time and they said no not at all, maybe on the island Ko Samui but not here in Surat, and they don't know anyone who's got in as a VIP before. Just what I thought, I'm a jammy bugger.

Visas, pies and cider

Still in England, still don't have a visa, still stuffing my face full of lovely bad English food before I leave. Still haven't packed anything.

The visa is the main worry at the moment, I knew it would be difficult and those bloody Embassterds aren't very helpful - been to the Thai Embassy in London twice now and they've been pretty pointless journeys, other than going out drinking cider etc with various London people before/afterwards. I'm sure I'll get it sorted at the very last possible minute like everything else I ever do, ever.

Talking of ever, this is the first blog of my whole life. HOW EXCITING. I seem like the sort of person who would keep a blog but I never have done before. Well, here's one. I'm going to try to avoid txt-speak, frivolous exclamation marks, jokes, exaggerated stories and watery-eyed introspection. So hopefully it should be pretty truthful but funny all the same and insightful without being too gay.